


clear the slate and start over

by baesungyeon



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (ik it says university setting but thats just a way of saying theyre in college), Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, also i wrote this in some sort of attempt at crushing writers block, also there might be mentions of self harm in later chapters?, ill put it in the notes before though!!, really its not super relevant tbh, so its kind of just word vomit but. with style (hopefully)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-09-26 09:18:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9880280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baesungyeon/pseuds/baesungyeon
Summary: the seasons change, and joshua is there for every one of them. jihoon supposes that must mean something.





	1. winter

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is basically word vomit, im not even sure it makes sense? but im planning four chapters of it whether it does or not bc ive been writers blocked for the LONGEST time and finally getting something out feels good, you know?   
> the style is weird and not something id usually do at all, but i was reading something written kind of similarly to this and absolutely loved it, so i decided to experiment a little bit and this happened! i actually dont hate it, which is cool.
> 
> also it's my first time writing for svt so please go easy on me, i apologize in advance.
> 
> the title is from Only Us from the musical Dear Evan Hansen (which you should check out and love bc its amazing)

_ i. _

jihoon loves winter.

there’s a touch of irony to that, really, seeing as he hates the cold and the snow and has never really been big on the holidays, but there’s something about winter that he just can’t shake. he loves the way people walk just a little faster to get to whatever (warm) destination they have in mind, the early sunsets and long nights, the softness in the atmosphere.

he also has a thing for holiday themed coffee, which is what brings him to his usual cafe early in the afternoon (earlier than he’d usually be up if he didn’t have an exam to study for) armed with his headphones, textbooks and laptop. it’s more crowded than he likes- he feels like everyone’s watching him in a crowd, trying to see what he’s doing even though he isn’t doing anything wrong or even special- and he’d consider going home if he was willing to give up refills whenever he needed them. he opts for putting in his headphones and blocking everything as well as he can.

it works for a while, until there’s a boy talking to him- more accurately talking at him, seeing as jihoon’s headphones are still in and he hasn’t heard a word the poor guy has said or really even noticed his presence until now. the boy is tall and slender and has doe eyes and flushed cheeks and jihoon still has no idea what he’s saying but he’s looking increasingly more stressed, and it’s not a good look for him, so jihoon somewhat-unconsciously takes out his headphones.

“-so there’s kind of a lot going on and i just  _ really _ need to charge my laptop and-” he cuts himself off mid-ramble as jihoon wordlessly holds up his earbuds. “you didn’t hear any of that.”

“nope.”

the doe-eyed boy laughed, and it’s a soft sound that gives jihoon slight butterflies that he wishes he could ignore- him and soft have never had a good relationship. “that’s probably good, i was making a fool of myself anyways.” he laughed awkwardly, cheeks turning even redder.

when the boy doesn’t say anything else, jihoon frowns. “okay, well...is that it? did you need something?” 

“what..?” his eyes widen ever-so-slightly. “oh! yeah, actually, i did. is anybody sitting here?” he motions to the seat across from jihoon. 

“...no?”

“great.” he smiles, and it’s a soft thing that distracts jihoon from the fact that he just sat down in the seat and made himself at home in his space (a murder-worthy offense by jihoon’s standards. he’s not sure what stops him.) “this is the only open seat by an outlet, and i have a major essay due in...four hours.”

“oh.” he says, and he’s not sure what else there is to be said since he’s apparently not planning on kicking this guy out of his area. he’s about to put his music back on and ignore the very distracting stranger across from him, when said stranger decides to introduce himself.

“i’m joshua, by the way.”

jihoon thinks on that for a minute- it’s a nice name. it suits him. “jihoon.”

“jihoon...” joshua repeats with an indecipherable expression. jihoon pretends he doesn’t get lost in the calmness of his voice, and pretends his name doesn’t sound like joshua was born to say it.

_ ii. _

winter has its ups and downs, of course, as any season does.

jihoon always finds it harder to lie to himself in the winter, as if the coldness of the weather brings him to terms with cold realities that he can normally send off into the autumn breeze, or burn up in the summer heat. 

one of these cold realities is that he absolutely cannot stop thinking about doe-eyed joshua, whom he barely knows and really shouldn’t even think twice about because he’s not an idiot, and he sure as hell isn’t the type to get a schoolgirl crush on someone he doesn’t know. (he used to be, maybe, but that's a reality too cold for even an arctic winter).

_ iii. _

one truly irreplaceably thing that winter brings jihoon is routine. he values routine, and finds that it’s easiest to maintain in the winter. the back to school rush of fall makes everything complicated, by spring routine gets old to the point of boredom, and summer...well, summer is where everything falls apart, isn’t it?

but winter- winter brings jihoon the calm pattern of waking up, going to class, going to work, and going home. maybe stopping at the park if it isn’t snowing to write a song or play guitar. it’s simple, like clockwork. it’s easy. he appreciates that, no matter how many times soonyoung calls him boring.

he works at the local library, the perfect job for him. it’s quiet (except when he has to tutor the kids, but they’re sweet kids, really, if a little rambunctious), it’s orderly, and with a firm grip of the dewey decimal system it’s not that hard of a job. keep people quiet, tutor kids every tuesday and thursday, put books away and lend books out. every once in awhile someone has a computer problem, but he can always send them to wonwoo, the other clerk. he’s better with people anyways.

when he sees joshua running a gentle hand along the shelves, doe-eyes vaguely absent yet also curious- the look of someone looking for something to read but having no idea what- he freezes right where he stands, nearly dropping the stack of books he’s carrying. they have to get put away, but they have to get put away right where joshua is standing, and for some reason jihoon does not at all want to do that.

joshua makes jihoon react in ways he doesn’t understand, and quite frankly it pisses him off, so he marches over and interrupts whatever is going through joshua’s head as he blankly stares at the bookshelf. (and really, why is he just standing there?! pick a damn book or go to another section, jihoon doesn’t have all day here.) as he puts everything back in its proper place he makes a very pointed effort  _ not _ to turn around despite the fact that joshua hasn’t moved an inch and his eyes are burning a hole into the back of jihoon’s head like he has nothing better to do.

“do you need help or something?” jihoon asks, whipping around to face him in a slightly more aggressive way than he’d intended.

it takes several seconds for him to answer, and when he does it sounds like he’s coming out of a trance. “i...yes, yeah, i do,” he whispers, and then proceeds to stare at jihoon without any hint of elaboration.

“with what?”

“i need a book,” he says, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world and completely explains why he’s still staring at jihoon like he’s never set foot in a library or like, seen a book in his life.

“like a specific book?”

“does it seem like i’m looking for a specific book, jihoon?” joshua asks with a smirk, which makes jihoon wants to punch something. he blushes immediately after saying it though, which jihoon doesn’t quite get but finds endearing anyways. “i’m not, and really i don’t have anything in mind, i just need something new to read, and i figured the library would be the place to go for that-”

“well, you’re not wrong there. we have books.”

“-but i don’t actually know  _ what _ i want to read, so i’ve been looking around for the past 20 minutes in vain.”

unfortunately, this situation is not only in jihoon’s job description, but right in his wheelhouse. he hums and puts on his business face. “okay, what do you usually read?”

“a lot of manga, recently.” joshua says with a somewhat sheepish cough.

jihoon snorts. “okay, no. what genres are you into?”

as it turns out, joshua has a thing for urban fantasy- really, he just has a thing for magic. before he even thinks about it, jihoon grabs joshua’s wrist and starts pulling him across the room, planting him in front of a familiar shelf and bending down to grab a novel he’s taken out dozens of times before. “this is an old favorite of mine. you might like it.”

joshua absolutely  _ beams _ . “if it’s a favorite of yours, i’m sure i will!” 

jihoon sees stars, and walks away before he’s blinded.

_ iv. _

apparently, joshua has a thing for routine too, because after reading the book until close and coming back the next day to discuss it, he comes back almost every day at the same time. they discuss whatever jihoon has him reading and exchange recommendations. some days he even offers to help jihoon with his work, which is just ridiculous because it’s not like he’s getting paid for it, he’s just absurdly  _ nice _ .

and some days- days when jihoon doesn’t feel like talking or looking at another person or breathing- joshua just shoots him that reassuring smile of his and goes to read or study quietly. and maybe it’s just his imagination, but on those days jihoon could swear he feels a watchful gaze following his every move.


	2. spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the butterflies in jihoon's stomach don't go away. also he gets sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: im going to update this fic  
> me, immediately after: does not do that
> 
> oh my gosh the response to this was so so kind!!! thank you so much for your comments everyone, i'm about to go respond to each of them individually and send you all my love because i love you!!
> 
> i was super writers blocked when it came to this chapter, and i think it's a bit different than the first one but i'm actually really happy with how it turned out, so i hope you all like it too!! <333

_ i. _

spring brings rain, unpredictable temperature changes, and early sunrises. not that jihoon is ever up to see a sunrise unless he went without sleeping, but sometimes joshua smiles at him, and he’s pretty sure that’s the same thing anyways, so whatever.

spring also slaps jihoon in the face with an awful cold, and he’s down and out for a solid week, sending soonyoung to cover his shifts. soonyoung is arguably the worst possible person to send to work in a library, but jihoon doesn’t really have many other friends, and he knows soonyoung will actually do the work, unlike jeonghan.

one thing he did not count on was soonyoung becoming completely infatuated with wonwoo, though. by day 3, he’s decidedly too irritable for it.

“how could you have just  _ not noticed _ how pretty he is, though? he’s gorgeous, jihoon, gorgeous!”

“i must’ve been too busy doing my fucking job, which is what you’re supposed to be doing instead of gawking at my coworker all day.”

“well, maybe if i’d had some warning i would’ve been better prepared and wouldn’t have to gawk.”

“i’m too fucking sick for this conversation.”

soonyoung scoffs. “oh, your boyfriend was there again!!”

jihoon’s breath catches, and he freezes. “...my what?”

“your boyfriend!! the one who’s there every day? i mentioned that he asked wonwoo where you were the other day, even though it was like your first day out.”

_ joshua. _ “i hardly know him, soonyoung.”

“so..?” soonyoung’s eyes widen. “are you implying that you’re being stalked?”

“what? no, oh my god, i just mean he’s not my boyfriend. i don’t really know him, he just hangs out. reads. studies. i don’t know. we talk, sometimes.” jihoon mutters, not really meeting soonyoung’s gaze. if he were, he’d see the skeptical look being shot his way, but he doesn’t need to see it to know it’s there.

soonyoung hums. “whatever you say, jihoonie. regardless, he seemed really worried. well, he seemed worried after i assured him that you did not switch shifts, you’re just really sick.”

“he asked you if i switched shifts? why?”

“i’m assuming it’s because you weren’t there,” soonyoung says slowly, as if jihoon’s illness impairs his comprehension.

“it’s been three days.” when soonyoung stares at him blankly, he adds: “three days is not that long. three days is not long enough to wonder if i switched shifts.”

“it is if he sees you every day.”

“but...why would he care?”

soonyoung stares at him, slack-jawed. “have you not pieced together the fact that he seems to like you?”

jihoon’s brain seems to stall.  _ computing error. stop. rewind. _ “what are you talking about? we barely know each other.”

“why do you keep saying that?”

“because it’s true.”

soonyoung sighs, frustrated. “okay, well, even if that is the case, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that he probably likes you.”

jihoon shakes his head, slowly. “i...no, that’s not right. that’s not what’s happening here.”

“listen, i don’t really know what you want me to tell you here, but that’s exactly what’s happening here, in my professional opinion. do you like him? is that why your brain seems to have ended all cognitive function?”

jihoon goes to lie down without giving an answer.

_ do you like him? _

_ ii. _

joshua’s smile is the first thing he sees after a whole day of feeling like literal death, and he pauses, considering how lucky he is to see that. he’s awfully lucky. he may be so congested that he can’t breathe right, and running on nothing but a cup of coffee and half a muffin at work, but he’s awfully lucky.

“jihoon!” joshua whisper-shouts (because unlike the kids, joshua knows what appropriate library volume is) as he makes his way over, smiling softly. “you’re back! i was so worried!”

that statement doesn’t quite register with him, so he elects to ignore it, saying “sorry you were forced to deal with soonyoung for a week.”

“what? i like him, he’s sweet,” joshua murmurs, questioning.

“that’s a word you could use for it, i guess.” jihoon shrugs. “i live with him, i probably see it differently than you.”

“you live with him?” there’s a slight frown on joshua’s pretty face that confuses him.

“yeah, we’ve been roommates for years now. it gets old quick.” joshua’s still frowning, so he adds: “all he talked about the whole week i was sick was how infatuated with wonwoo he is, which is the worst conversation topic i have ever had to put up with while sick.”

thankfully, this elicits a small laugh out of joshua, and the frown disappears. “i feel like that’s a very specific thing to be bitter about, “worst conversation topic while sick.””

“i have a lot of bitterness stored up inside me.”

“really? i hadn’t noticed.” it sounds semi-sarcastic, as if joshua can’t decide whether or not he’s joking, and jihoon can’t help but feel like talking to someone shouldn’t be this confusing.

_ iii. _

spring is supposed to be about new beginnings- spring cleaning and all that crap. jihoon can’t remember the last time he or soonyoung did any sort of cleaning beyond the basic requirements of washing the dishes and occasionally vacuuming, but that’s hardly relevant.

sometimes joshua seems like a new beginning, but he’s not sure where exactly he’d be starting from.

was there ever a point where he didn’t feel this hurt?

_ iv. _

“you just cross multiply, it’s not that fucking hard, hansol.”

“have i told you you’re the worst tutor on the planet?”

“you’re too old to even qualify for these library tutoring sessions, so i think you’ll take whatever help i give you.”

“uh, am i interrupting something?” joshua walks up, tentative for reasons jihoon can’t figure out.

before jihoon has the chance to say anything, hansol breaks into a grin. “josh, hey!”

“hey, hansol.” he murmurs, smiling slightly while something uncomfortable festers in jihoon’s stomach. “what’s up?”

“jihoon here is being an awful tutor, that’s what’s up.”

“i’m a fine tutor, you just don’t understand precalc.” jihoon mutters, trying to hide his pink cheeks from joshua’s observing gaze.

“then you’re not a fine tutor!”

joshua laughs, and jihoon is struck (as he is every time) by how beautiful of a sound it is. “maybe i can help.”

“he doesn’t need help, he can do the work,” jihoon tries to protest, but joshua’s already sitting down, ready to help. jihoon watches him gently guide hansol through the problem, taking it slow to make sure he understands every step. it’s a small thing, really, but joshua’s so easily kind that there’s something completely hypnotic about it, and jihoon can’t seem to snap out of it until hansol slams his pencil on the desk, grinning, and he jumps.

“huh, guess it wasn’t that hard after all.”

“ _ are you fucking kidding-” _

“that’s probably my cue to leave,” joshua smiles, eyes crinkling and jihoon just about dies, but doesn’t say anything until joshua’s halfway to the door.

“wait!” he cries, tripping over himself, the chair and who knows what else as he runs up to him.

“jihoon?” joshua asks, frozen in surprise.

“i just- i was wondering if maybe- maybe you wanted to do something sometime. like get coffee. maybe.” he’s rubbing his arm in embarrassment, looking at the floor like it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen. “or not, you know, if you’re busy-”

“no! no- wait, i mean no i’m not busy.” jihoon looks up at him for the first time, wide-eyed, to see him red as a tomato. “i mean- oh no, i just messed this up, didn’t i?”

“um...i don’t know. did you?”

“i hope not,” joshua whispers. “because i’d really like to go get coffee sometime. maybe.”

jihoon stares. “you would?”

“i would.”

jihoon’s brain fries, and he can’t do anything but beam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can talk to me on tumblr or twitter too if you want!!
> 
> tumblr: sunshinesungyeon  
> twitter: weewoo_mp3

**Author's Note:**

> pls tell me if you liked this (or hated it)
> 
> if you want to feel free to hmu on tumblr @ezekielcassandra


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